respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
