Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
