i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
