Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
