I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
