Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
