So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
