Sry I called you an 8
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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