so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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