Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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