Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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