i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
