I'm gonna have a badass scar
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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