i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
