she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
