The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The Olympian is in my bed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
