I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
