The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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