i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
