Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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