god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize