insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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