i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
