I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
