I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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