Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
