Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
