You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
