I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
