its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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