So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
