Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
