So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
