i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
