i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
