We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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