you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
