life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
