Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
