That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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