i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
