yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize