we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
