I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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