I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
