Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize