I wish I could punch you in the face.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
