thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
