when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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