when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
