just come out here and I will go home with you...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
