Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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