im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
