end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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