I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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