WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
