yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My life is pants optional.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
