Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
